Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?