Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.