[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.