[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg