[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.