Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.