Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.