[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.