Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.