Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read