Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.