Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock