Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”