Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
absolutely not
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
✌🏽
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Seems kinda suspicious
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me