Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
🖕🏻👽
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
🤣
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you