*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.