Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Word.

~ Microsoft.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

In space, no one can hear…

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.