Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.