Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

*bites zombie*

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice