Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Love is in the air fryer.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.