Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes