Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time