Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
You Might Also Like
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
sure, why not
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Webb. James Webb.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.