Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

Van Gone

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

put ‘er there pardner!

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?