Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
You Might Also Like
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I’m never leaving this app.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
What the hell is going on?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own