Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
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*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
relationship goals
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”