Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.