Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

when you order from DoorDastardly

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…