Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.