Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out