Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

an airline just for babies.

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

Google reviews are always so mixed..

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here