Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Bread puns are on the rise!

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

they really do be looking like this

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.