Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

I’m awake but I object,

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

🐦

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*