Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Sooo many times…..

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

I love texting my boyfriend

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction