Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above![]()
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream