Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

favorite tropes as memes

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”