Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?