Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

these two trucks have the same bed length

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫