Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.