Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

My dog after a walk in the woods.

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced