ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
You Might Also Like
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I think my mom just blocked me
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN