ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
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[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Self-cleaning conscience
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Sir!!
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.