Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up