Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”