Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

stop

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.