Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad