Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.