@mack44_d

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

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@pilau

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

@Brianhopecomedy

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

@ibid78

[A-ha rehearsal]
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”

@CAshmanActor

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

@MarlonBrandNO

“Drop it like its hot”

-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog

@FU_TangClan

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

@mamatomy3

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@robfee

Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

@ArelyCorral

If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough