Friend: can I borrow £20?
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
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“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“Drop it like its hot”
-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.
If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough