Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day