crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
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*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You’ll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It’s here.
Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet
Conclusion: Snickers is a salad
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.