@flashember

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

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@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

@behindyourback

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

@stevemarriott

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

@Dee_Aye_Bee

*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You’ll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It’s here.

@rockymomax

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

@FU_TangClan

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

@smithsara79

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

@Social_Mime

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.