Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

go easy on yourself <3

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

Get off my horse you stupid moon

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Introverted vegans go meetless

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.