Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Super Hand Dog Face
when there are deer in the woods
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
😩😩😩
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
🙁
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.