Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Raisins are grape jerky.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

i hate you platonically

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.