Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.