*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’m not sorry.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
