Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
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made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.