Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it