Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

Just a bush.

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese