Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*