Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.