Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

*aggressively waits in line*

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

I’m calling the cops.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]