Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]