Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

God, I love Scotland

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*