Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.