I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
You Might Also Like
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: Will I be happy in 2017?
(peers into crystal ball)
Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before
My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*