@mommajessiec
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
@AbbieEvansXO
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
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@mommajessiec
@ArfMeasures
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
@WhirledRecord
USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*
@5hael
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
@Midgetspar
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
@BoogTweets
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
@abbycohenwl
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
@liv_thatsme
Me: Will I be happy in 2017?
(peers into crystal ball)
Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before
@TheTweetOfGod
My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
@MommaUnfiltered
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*