Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”


9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later


USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*


My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark


If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”


*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool


I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?


Me: Will I be happy in 2017?

(peers into crystal ball)


Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before


My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe


[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*