Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

🙁

Better luck next time champ

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.