Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?