Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Why? Just why? 😂
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I remember when things only cost an arm.