Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

subtitles are so good nowadays

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

I have written yet another poem about laundry

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair