Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate