Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

At an art museum and I thought this was art

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today